Communicating with teens is not always easy. One of my biggest problems is a tendency to want to project a maturity of thought onto my kids beyond their years, and being dismayed when they don’t achieve it. We’re all a work in progress, and it takes time to get “there,” wherever “there” may be.
Unfortunately, my idea of maturity (logic and reasoning) and the world’s (exposure to content at too young an age) aren’t the same, and that disparity lead to a conflict with one of my daughters last week.
There is a popular series of books and movies (this post isn’t about them, so I’m not naming names, but I’m sure you can figure it out) that my daughter asked if she could read a couple of years ago. Apparently I was one of the only people on the planet not familiar with these books, and pledged to do some research before reaching a decision.
I picked up the first one at the grocery store, and before long had read all four books. While the story line was obviously intriguing enough to keep me coming back for more, I decided that they weren’t appropriate for my daughter.
Did I say the books were horrible? No, I just said I read all four of them.
Recently my kids went to the library with their older brother, and my daughter checked out one of the books. By the time I realized it, she’d almost finished it. Nonetheless, it was taken away and returned.
I sympathize with anyone who’s almost completed a book and isn’t allowed, for whatever reason, to finish it; that would be difficult. The point remained, however, that approval had never been given to read it and the original decision on the matter hadn’t changed.
The incident spun into a discussion and personal stories from my childhood. In spite of my mom being a wonderful parent, there wasn’t a selection of age-appropriate books in our home when I was a teen. I was allowed to read books that no matter how mature I may have seemed, I wasn’t really ready for emotionally.
A story was also told about a brother and sister I knew who were raised by their father. In an effort to be a “buddy,” he sometimes facilitated things that a parent instead should have censored. Even as teens, my friends and I recognized that that’s not what we wanted or needed from our parents.
Did my daughter scream and cry? Pout? No, instead we had the best conversation—actually the highest level of real communication, often difficult with a teen—that we’d had in some time. It didn’t just end there, but continued throughout the week. We took a walk together Saturday morning, went out for a late breakfast, and ran errands in the afternoon. She remained open and affectionate, more than usual.
You can and should be friends with your child, but more than anything, you need to be a parent. It’s not always easy, but it’s your duty and responsibility, part of the job description. Friendship will follow. 🙂
Great post Dawn. And thanks for the encouragement too. 🙂
Dawn, I loved this post. It would be so easy to just stop parenting our teens, and kind of just let it happen. But that’s not what God asks us to do. There is still a lot we can pass on, many times, like you said, through stories from our own lives. Thanks for sharing this moment!
we recently had the why can’t i see the movie/read the books discussion and for us, too, it was a great time of discussion.
Great post! I agree with you completely. We have set boundaries. Through the years they change. Right now there are some movies our son wants to see. But we don’t think he’s old enough yet. He seems to be accepting our answer. I pray that continues. Thanks for the great reminder that we are to be parents first and foremost…a lesson that is not always heard in our society.
great post and so true!
Ah, we’re navigating these waters, too, and it’s so new and different! Finding the balance of being “friend” enough to let the teen open up and talk, BUT never relegating the role and responsibility of parent first and foremost.
Thanks for an encouraging post. 🙂
You are so right! Being a parent is a tough row to hoe! And they so need us to be tough and stand firm – it’s like through all the angst, they cry out for that need (just look at the kids who don’t have it) – being a parent first provides a blanket of security for children and teens! Great post!
Thanks for a great post. I was thinking about this not long ago. My daughter wrote me a letter for my birthday and in it, she talked about what a great friend I was to her. So I had to stop and think: am I a friend first?
Thankfully, I realized I was a mom first.
You’re such a great mom!!!! I agree completely.
What a great post. This is my first visit here and I’m glad I came by. I have a teen daughter too and she is rather quiet like I use to be. Sometimes it is hard to talk with her because she just isn’t “in the mood!” At least there are more opportunities because we home school!
i completely agree with the fact that we must be parents first. It is awesome that you had such great opportunities to talk with her after you did that!
I have to know what series it was.
I would have given anything for my mother to be my mother. Most days the roles felt painfully reversed. Even now I still have days when I feel like I am the adult making decisions for her. i am glad you were able to have such an amazing conversation with you child about the book she was reading and why you did not want her to read it. Many life lessons could have been spared me had someone sat me down and simply talked to me.
EXCELLENT post, Dawn! I think our children appreciate it when we show our love and concern for them by having boundaries. So many parents unnecessarily burden their children with decisions that a child does not need to make. And I think any time our explanations delve deeper than “because I’m the mom and I said so”, our children benefit.
(I’m cleaning out my inbox and saw this post buried towards the bottom, hence the tardy comment!)