I replied to an email of Heather’s last night and admitted that I was at Barnes and Noble because I’d run away from home. Not in a dangerous, abandon-my-family kind of way—Daddy was home and I was 20 minutes and a phone call away—but in an I can’t do this anymore and I have to get out of here kind of way. Convicted by Ann Voskamp’s recent Relevant recap posts, I told Heather that I almost felt obligated to blog about it.
To quote just a little bit of Ann’s wise words:
And when you sit down to your keyboard, and you write a blogpost — you are writing for me. You are writing for messed up me, and the messed up woman next door, and the messed up woman sitting beside you in church and messed up You. We need your messy stories. And you need your messy stories.
So here is my messy story.
I’m a peacemaker at heart—yelling, unkind words, and aggression make me very uncomfortable. My kids have gotten into a habit lately of making mean but idle threats to each other, back-talking, and disrespect. After pulling over twice to talk to them while driving home from the store last night, I realized that I just couldn’t listen to another word. I had to get out.
I drove home, put away the groceries, called my husband and verified that he was almost there, and left. We met in our neighborhood and exchanged vehicles. I didn’t vent about specifics; it wasn’t my goal for him to go home and get onto the kids. There had been enough talking, and I just wanted them to think about their behavior themselves.
I drove through Chick-fil-a, ate in the car, and then went to Barnes and Noble where I spent a peaceful two and a half hours sipping Hot Cinnamon and Spice Tea (I want Harney & Sons to sponsor me; I could live on that tea), reading, writing, and answering emails.
By the time I left, the stress had melted away.
What did I find at home? The kids had cleaned the house; my oldest daughter—a Gussy wannabe—had sewn me a wristlet (she knows I want one); and even my husband had hung pictures and checked some things off of my honey-do list. Three of the kids were in bed, but the other three apologized and were very sweet.
Tonight the kids started to argue and fight when we went to buy the turkey and do our Thanksgiving shop, so I loaded them right back in the car—yes, they were surprised—and went straight home. After supper I made the shopping trip alone.
I think they’re starting to get the picture.
No family is perfect—mine certainly isn’t. The important thing is to realize when there’s a problem and deal with it. Parenthood is all about doing hard things. Not only realizing that you need a break but actually taking one can be one of the hardest. Honestly, it felt like giving up.
Thankfully, no one seemed to feel that running off their mother for a few hours was any form of victory. Apparently it was a sobering experience, although that wasn’t my intention (which didn’t extend beyond the need to just get out for a bit).
Ann’s right. For the writer, there’s healing in the writing of the words.
This totally spoke to me…I am a runaway mommy, but usually I dont tell anyone where I am going due to the age of my kids now…I can’t say that I do this regularly but sometimes you just need to get some time to yourself and recharge…It is amazing as to how they react when you walk back in the door and how they seem to appreciate you a bit more…:)
So glad you posted this today! It’s just good to know I’m not alone. And very glad you had some “me time” last night. We all need it.
I have done something similar in our home. Sometimes more often than other times. It allows me to cool off, and “me” time is energizing.
Unfortunately it has back-fired on me recently. On bad days my children have started asking me when I will leave.
Now, I could write a whole blog post on the topic… but I wanted to share a little wisdom that was whispered in my ear (also by the ever graceful friend Ann) ~
When my children act their ugliest, and I am tempted to act my ugliest, it is time for me to pull them *close*.
The words of Dr. Dobson echo in my head: “rules and regulations without relationship lead to rebellion.” I have found the fastest and most effective way to soften a cold and hard heart is to pour warm love into it until it over flows. Make my relationship with them something they would be fearful to hurt.
When the kids seem exceptionally fractious, I usually find that I have been spending less time with them one on one, with intent focus on them. I realize I have been doling out more discipline than hugs. Our “mommy dates” have invariably been pushed aside, and I find our life busier than intended.
My children’s behavior is my barometer.
My solution is to have planned “breaks” that happen whether the day was good or bad. I removed it from being a reaction to my day, and their behavior. Then they see it as something important for me, but not a consequence of their behavior.
By His Grace,
Amy Lu
Amy Lu, wise words indeed!
Although it was late, I sat down with one and read a bedtime story when I got home. I think empty parental threats like “If you don’t clean your room, you’ll be grounded”—unless you completely stick to it—feed into more of the same behavior. I know we’ve all had the experience of blushing over hearing a small child repeat something to their baby doll that we wish we’d never said.
I need to take some of the older ones to B&N for a night to write papers or other school work in a fun and different setting, or the little ones for story time. Making memories is so important, too.
Rebekah sent me over here 🙂 So glad that she did… what a beautifully messy honest post. And to echo others – it’s just so good to not feel alone. My kids have been at each others throats the past few weeks, and my husband have had to do the not so easy things to get them to see the picture (leaving a store without what’s on our list is something that I did to make a point last week too!) and it is starting to get through to them… but still… it’s hard. Life is hard sometimes, and realizing that it’s hard for everyone at points, and we get through it together, by sharing these stories, is what’s important 🙂 Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving!!
oh dawn, i remember those days and well, i DID want to runaway a lot farther than 20 minutes and a phone call away. God’s grace is always sufficient, always there, always abundant. How precious that He showered His love on when you came home. We need the respite to breathe deep breaths and God replenishes when we take that time. This I know.
And this, this writing in the raw…an unspoken request lifted up – as we write, we reveal and He heals. How precious is our God.
Bless you and have a lovely thanksgiving!
I think your were screaming at them with silence. Well at least they heard you loud and clear. Great approach.
Oh Dawn, thank you for sharing your heart and being real. I have so been there. One time I left for bible study as soon as my husband walked in the door. I drove to a park, cried my eyes out, got myself in control and went to the study. I felt much better when I got home. It helped that everyone was in bed and the next day they were all so much better.
When I can’t get away, I send my boys to their beds. And then I go to mine. No lectures, no fussing, just the command to go. It usually doesn’t take long for all of us to get ungrouched and back in control of ourselves.
David is home a lot more nowadays. But when the kids were little, he would be gone for 4 days at a time. He could almost always count on coming home to “Here’s supper. I am going now.” I’d kiss them all and then run away until 9:30pm. 🙂 Because the stores all close at 9pm, right? Not that I would shop per se, but I would walk, look, have a coffee, and enjoy the quiet to unwind and destress. I would come home to kids bathed and in bed, and my husband would have a much happier wife! And kids!
My boys have been saying a lot of idle, unkind words to each other. Any advice on that? I find it difficult when nothing is so horrible to warrant swift punishment, but lecturing just frustrates all parties. I like your pack up and go idea. I’ll have to remember that!
WOW!
I am so humbled! I fight against the bailing. I don’t think about how to diffuse the situation I only think about how to shut down the arguing.
Thank you for your insights I am so amazed.
Catharine
caites-whispertothewind.blogspot.com
I am so glad you wrote this! Mothers need ideas to keep them cheerful and calm through the difficult days.
Blessings
Mrs. White
I can’t thank you enough for sharing that.
I love Harney and Sons cinnamon spice tea, and this is the season for it!
Seriously, thank you for this post. Brave and real and discovering that consequences carried out calmly really do teach us all. I’ve gotta be more brave!